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Sluggish Philosophy
i feel empty inside, like i had it, and now it’s been taken away from me. and now I have nothing.
I can’t seem to shake the heaviness in my heart.
Me.
I’ve come a long way in 3 years.

"sometimes i look back on the things I’ve done in my life and i wonder how the hell i thought that they were okay. and how much i wish i could go back and change the way i am. There are alot of things about myself that i don’t like, however, everytime i go to change them its like trying to erase a mountain. it’s not easy. and i give up. I hate being alone. and i often put myself into really bad situations because of it. Now, i don’t necessarily regret anything, i just wish i had done alot of things differently. ANd now i’m stuck dealing with alot of things i dont want to deal with. I constantly feel like I’m not good enough. Yeah, i have an amazing boyfriend who thinks I’m amazing, but how long will that last before he starts treating me like a piece of shit? or until we start constantly fighting about stupid things? I thought i had a best friend, but then she started to get jealous of the guys i was seeing, wanting me for herself only. when she started to try to control me and tell me what to do, things had to change. now. here i am. sitting at a starbucks, running on four hours, waiting for my boyfriend to get out of work. fighting with my best friend. thinking about all the things i could have done diffrerently. This is going to get me nowhere. I need to get my act together. I need to stop worrying about other people. I need to get a fucking job. Catch up in school. save money, the works. I have 7 months before I’m on my own. HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO KEEP A STRAIGHT HEAD? I’m stressed as fuck. none of this probably makes sense. and I dont expect anyone to have advice for me. But i really wish i could just have a break from it all. That’s why i want to get away so badly. That’s why i have such a bad history of running away and stuff. I just need a night to get away from it all. ANd now its no longer a problem of "running away", but it still feels like I did something wrong after the fact. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I should be locked away somewhere, where i can hurt myself. I have issues."

How much has changed? How much do I regret thins still? How much do I wish I could go back to this night and appreciate it for how perfect it was?

i feel like this is me every day. I wake up so exhausted, then put on my happy-go-lucky face for the day, then as soon as I am home, it’s back to my tired of the world demeanor.

i feel like this is me every day. I wake up so exhausted, then put on my happy-go-lucky face for the day, then as soon as I am home, it’s back to my tired of the world demeanor.

so serene and peaceful.

so serene and peaceful.

There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin.

Molasses.

There comes a time in every person’s life where it seems that everything has come to a stand still. For me, it is agonizing. I feel like I am swimming in molasses, getting nowhere even though I constantly push forward with everything I have. It’s no wonder I wake up every day more exhausted than the last. The past few years of my life have taken a lot out of me. I have come face to face and fallen in love with my demons. I have been close to the point of drowning and rescued by the least likely person. I have lost many friends, who now lie in the depths of the cold world that stole them away. I have lost an unborn child, found out a dark secret about my family, and I have been awakened. By what, I’m not yet sure of.  

I spend my days locked in a routine that I have designed so that I am too busy to concentrate on these hardships that I have archived somewhere in my vast mind. Instead of coping with the things that haunt me, I keep them from surfacing all the way, and keep plastering this smile on my face, hoping that one day the inside of me will match the outside. I can’t help the pressure or the pain inside my chest, and everytime I feel it, I try to shoo it away. But I can’t do it anymore. It’s become so excruciating, so relentless, I feel as if I let this continue, it will be the death of me.

Through my self exploration, and self discovery, I have realized that I am a very different person than I thought I was. However, in some ways, I am still the same. I find that I am a very honest, forgiving person now. I always feel as thought I should do the right thing. It is a huge step from the conniving, heartless, broken teenage girl I used to be. I am more peaceful now. I stand up for others, and help them even when I know there will be nothing in it for me. But in that way, I am self destructive. The focus that I place on every other person besides myself has taken a toll on my heart, and my mind. I have gone for too many years trying to shut everyone out, including myself. How can I climb out of this abyss? How will I be able to escape the molasses pulling me down deeper and deeper? I fear the longer I keep denying my distress, the less time I will have to escape. And that scares me more than anything.

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officially back on tumblr. not that it matters, or anyone missed me at all

officially back on tumblr. not that it matters, or anyone missed me at all

Whuddup.